Lagarista.com. A Film Blog. Mismo. -

Five Unintentinally Horror-ific Filipino Films

Posted by Oggs Cruz on Thursday, October 27, 2011 in Astig, Features, Video

We all know which films would land a place in any list of Best Horror Films made in the Philippines. So just to make things unique, our list crosses genre borders to recommend films that weren’t made to scare and shock, but do so anyway. Click to read more, if you dare.

5. TSARDYER (Sigfried Barros-Sanchez, 2010)

I never walk-out of a movie. I just don’t think anybody has the right to write about a film he has not seen from start to finish. Because of this rule, watching films can really be a torturous experience. Sigfried Barros-Sanchez’s Tsardyer, about a boy who is recruited by the Abu Sayyaff to run to the nearest town to charge the cellular phone they use for their kidnapping operations, is particularly excruciating. It is so painful to watch that I had to pinch my arms just to assure myself that there is a pain more intense than to sit through a film that features reprehensible filmmaking techniques coupled with a reprehensibly elementary appreciation of the issues surrounding peace in Mindanao. It is a film so oblivious to subtlety that it trumps

Film’s Most Horror-ific Moment:

Most probably inspired by Christopher Lee, the most effective Dracula cinema has ever had the joy of having, actor Pipo Alfad III, playing the leader of the kidnappers with absolute gusto, lets out the most evil laugh, scaring the bejeezus out of poor Dimples Romana and Mon Confiado. Believe me, they weren’t the only ones who got unintentionally scared.

4. HANDUMANAN (Seymour Barros-Sanchez, 2009)

Ding-dong, ding-dong, sounded the awfully minimalist score of Diwa de Leon. The score droned so long, the only way I wouldn’t force toothpicks into my eyelids just to keep my eyes open was a sudden appearance of the stereotypical ghost. The ghost never came, nor did excitement, nor did any actual quality that could have raised this film to at least mediocre levels. But of course, this is drama in its truest sense. Seymour Barros-Sanchez, like one of those creepy Dementors that haunt Harry Potter and his friends, sucks the life of the drama and comes up with this flaccid snore-fest. This is sure death by boredom.

Film’s Most Horror-ific Moment:

The film features Brazilian model Akihiro Sato. However, this isn’t really a good thing. The hunk also plays a model who sees his face plastered all over the romance novels written by Chin-chin Gutierrez. Unfortunately, Sato does more than look good, he actually endeavors to act, and when he acts, like let’s say when he throws some of the film’s overly dramatic lines or cries, it is as lifeless as a rotting corpse. Rotting corpse = horror.

3. IGLOT (Gil Tejada, Jr, 2011-hopefully, soon)

Like all primetime telenovelas that beg to get a sizable amount of local viewership, Iglot mixes drama, comedy, fantasy, and cuteness. Little did its creators know that it’s also quite horror-ific. Iglot, an bright yellow egg that turns into a chick-like creature that has huge blue eyes and smiley lips instead of a beak. If you think the Teletubbies are scary, Iglot’s downright hellish, like some creature created by Satan himself to mock God. It’s actually very alarming that the MTRCB finds this show accessible to children of all ages.

Telenovela’s Most Horror-ific Moment:

Iglot, apart from being absolutely f-ugly, also dances quite horribly. In this commercial that shows frequently in the telenovela’s mother network, Iglot dances with his conspirators of evil. This might just be the scariest video you’ll ever see:

2. MASIKIP SA TATLO (Edz Espiritu, 2011)

The film trailer has it all (the horror-ific acting, the horror-ific use of horror music tropes, the horror-ific voice-over of something that doesn’t make absolute sense, the horror-ific big dramatic scenes) except any intention of being a horror film. Need I say more?

DI KITA MA-REACH (Willy Milan, 2001)

Believe it or not, like his mother’s archenemy, ex-President Erap Estrada, Mikey Macapagal-Arroyo is an actor first before he became a politician. From bit and supporting roles in action films starring Lito Lapid and Ronnie Ricketts, he eventually landed lead roles. Unfortunately, unlike Mr. Estrada, Mr. Macapagal-Arroyo has absolutely no charm, which is an essential element in carrying an entire film. In Di Kita Ma-reach, Mr. Macapagal-Arroyo stars alongside April Boy Regina as a poor billiard player who falls in love with beautiful LJ Moreno, the daughter of a wealthy fiscal. The plot’s essentially bare, involving tons of kidnapping, corrupt government officials, and mismatched romances. What frightens me the most about the film is how Mr. Macapagal-Arroyo, with his smug facial features, unusually unwieldy heft, and obnoxious manners, manages to win in the end. The film might not be as horror-ific then, but now, when the shit has hit the fan and the general population has a general picture as to how Mr. Macapagal-Arroyo’s family has operated during their reign, the film mutates into something so eery, so ugly, so vile, not even April Boy Regino’s musical pleas for redemption can save.

The Film’s Most Horror-ific Moment:

Everything.

We’ll spare you the horror of a clip from the movie, but we will leave you with the lamentations of the April Boys:

Editor’s Note: Oggs Cruz moonlights as a film critic when he isn’t upholding the Philippine constitution as a full time attorney at law. However, we sincerely believe that it’s really the other way around; most especially after you get schooled by his film blog, Lessons from the School of Inattention.